On Being Decisive

I have done a lot of things that I am not particularly proud of. I went around in circles because I took a lot of wrong turns. More often than not, I feel tired, depressed and alone. More often than not, I feel I have been taken advantage of. I do a lot of things which do not excite me. I choose things that I know would not make me happy. I end up cleaning up other people’s acts. I was supposed to lead but would end up doing everything, just to keep up with commitments. I feel bullied and obliged. I let other people decide for me. I let people influence how I live. I am too afraid to hurt other people. I am too afraid to say no. I can’t decide on my own and end up wavering on the very few decisions that I have made for myself. My happiness is dependent on other people’s happiness. I am particularly happy when things are without aversion. I am high on self restraint. I am careful about how other people see me and react to my decisions. I have high regard to those in authority. I am careful as to how my decision impacts other people’s equilibrium. I have traces of courage but I can’t seem to sustain it.

Now I am tired. I am very tired. I’m starting to care less. I am starting to be lazy. I have yet to see the day when I could muster enough courage to stand on my own and decide on my own. I have yet to see the day when I can boldly say that I own all my decisions. I have yet to be in that space where I am happy, peaceful and excited. I have yet to see the day that I can do what I want and not just because I am obliged. I have a long way to go. I hope someday I would wake up with enough courage to choose to be happy. I hope someday I would make that choice and stick with it.