Tropa. Friendzone. Basted

The floor opened and gobbled me whole at 6:00 AM in the morning. Your text message was way better than espresso, jolting me out of sleep. Funny thing, I woke up to your text message knowing that I did not sleep at all.

"Let's just be friends, and nothing more. Tropa tayo diba?"

Seriously? That freaking line. I thought I heard that in a chick flick that I suffered watching with you. Seriously. At 6 o'clock in the morning your words swallowed me whole.

I lovingly kept all your text messages. Three years' worth of seemingly important messages. "Hi. Musta? I miss you too. See you later. Smiley. Hehe. Go to the balcony, the moon is lovely. U umlaut." For me, those were sweet nothings. Apparently for you, it was just nothing.

I searched for your car yesterday. Blood. Panic. Sweat. Cramps. I stupidly searched for your car in three levels of car park. How can I miss logic that day. I failed to note that this was not a scene in a badly written movie. I should have just asked the guard where your car was. I found your car just near the door after losing considerable amount of sweat. My heart was racing as I placed a bouquet of roses that I carefully picked up earlier that day. I spent hours composing my note but ended up writing an incredible piece of crap.

Seeing you was the event to look forward to everyday. Blame proximity and propinquity but I started to cross out some specs in my archetype. I swam in that feeling of lightness whenever you are around. When I stopped asking myself "why?", that's when I knew all reason has fallen. I didn't mind disgusting cheesiness. I didn't mind doing fooling things. All foolishness was clad with a perfect feeling of lightness.

You texted me yesterday. "The flowers came from you, right?" I froze. I failed to reply. I wanted to talk to you personally. I wanted to let you know how miserable I was. I barely slept. I counted the minutes to the next day. I felt a sense of numbness after dropping the bomb. I assumed you barely slept too, judging from your 6:00 AM text message.

I am confused as to how I will place the activities that transpired in the last three years. We worked together. We ran together. Endured traffic together. Ate breakfast, lunch, or dinner together. We had coffee together. We laughed together.
Together. Was there really such a word? Was I just imprisoned in an illusion that we could be something more? I invested too much feeling in "together." Who was I kidding? Together, my face.

I saw you the next day wearing that new awkward feeling. Your mere presence in the office gives me claustrophobia. The office suddenly became too small for you and my overwhelming emotion. Seeing you gives me a lethargic feeling. Being with you in the same hallway just meant raising both eyebrows or nodding and nothing more. Being with you in the same hallway makes me want to barf with pain. Seeing your eyes is a strong reminder of that 6:00 AM text message on that fateful day.

"Let's just be friends, and nothing more. Tropa tayo diba?" And all hell broke loose.

***
Written for a friend who is nursing a broken heart

-- 30 --

Madalas naman ang pagwawakas
Isang realidad sa pang-araw araw na buhay
Huling episode ng paboritong telenovela
Huling hininga ng paboritong artista
Pagtatapos ng isang gawain o relasyon, trabaho o bakasyon
Pagtatapos ng araw sa bawat takipsilim
Pagtatapos ng buwan o pagsasara ng taon

Madalas naman ang pagwawakas
Ngunit bakit laging kaakibat ang mabigat na pakiramdam

Hindi ko alam kung magpapadespedida ba ko o hahayaan ko na lang
Hindi ko alam kung pipiliin ang tahimik na pagiimpit ng pinto o ang madramang pagyayakapan bago lumisan
Nahihirapan akong maniwala sa kasabihang pag may nagsarang pinto, may nagbubukas ng bintana
Nahihirapan akong sumugal sa madilim na crossfade ng scene 1 and 2
Nalilito ako habang naglalakbay sa proseso na inuutas ni Kubler-Ross
Nahihirapan akong lunukin ang mapait na wakas

The end. Fin. 30. That's all folks.
Madalas naman ang pagwawakas
Ngunit bakit kada mangyayari iyon lagi nalang akong nasusuka.