Temporal

Mourn, eat, sleep, pray, and write if you must.
Allow it to linger for a while.
But give yourself a deadline.
Brooding is a choice after all.

"Live through this, and you won't look back..."

"When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."  - Stars

My Dear Fleeting Saturday

Why did you leave me so fast? I thought you'd linger some more, but you didn't. I woke up planning on how I could make the most out of your every minute. I failed miserably again. I stared into nothingness while being glued onto my bed. I shed some tears on crappy flicks. I filled my stomach with food and filled my head with air. Every movement seemed heavily spinning in time. I tried to salvage some minutes, thinking I could bring some justice to each passing moment. But you drifted fast. Yes, you drifted fast, but I shall see you soon. 

Gabi

Tumingin ako sa mga ulap. Walang masyadong mga bituwin. Bakit ngayon pa walang mga bituwin?  Madaming tao noong gabing iyon. Masarap manood ng tao. Marahil ay may kanya-kanyang pinagdadaanan. Iba-iba lamang ng kabigatan.

 Baka ilang minuto na lang kita makakasama kaya pilit kong binago ang usapan. Nais kitang makasama sa ilang minutong natitira. Para akong nakikipagkarera sa panahon. Nais pa kitang makilala sa ilang minutong iyon.

Tinanong ko ang ilang bagay ukol sayo. Paboritong kulay. Paboritong tao. Paboritong pangyayari noong paslit ka pa lang. Matiyaga mong sinagot lahat ng tanong ko. Bawat isa. Kahit yaong mga walang saysay. Kagyat kong nalimutan ang pakikipagtunggali ko sa oras.

"Ang dami mong tanong," sabi nya.

"Kasi baka hindi na kita matanong ulit. Baka huli na to." ang sabi ko.

"Bakit ngayon lang 'to?"

Alam ko naman ang sagot ngunit sadyang  nakapapagal sumagot. Marahil ay nakakahapo ang magpaliwanag. Marahil ay hindi na sakop ng mga salita ang gayong pakiramdam.

"Anong pangarap mo?" wika ko.

"Ang makasama ka," ang kanyang walang pag-aatubiling sagot.

Biglang dumapo ang nakabibinging katahimikan sa sumapaw sa ingay ng paligid.

"Seryoso ka d'yan?" sabay tingin ko sa malayo.

"Oo." aniya.

Tumungo ako't ibinaling ang atensyon sa sahig. Baka sakaling may ilang pangungusap ang biglang lumitaw sa sahig. Hindi ko masabing masakit sa dibdib. O nahihirapan akong magbitiw ng mga salita. O kung gaano kahirap magpigil ng luha. O wala akong sagot sa iba mong tanong. O malamang ilang araw akong magmumukmok.

"Sigurado ka na ba?" makatatlong beses nyang tinanong noong gabing iyon.

Sigurado na nga ba ko? Maraming beses ko nang inisip ito. Sigurado nga ba ako?  Handa ba ko na gawing huli ang lahat ng bagay noong gabing iyon?

"Oo," sabay tungo. 

On Writing

For lack of a better hobby, I put writing “writing” on the list. However, within 4 years of blogging, I only have 37 entries with around 3,700 page views.  Most of my entries were offshoots of extremely high emotions. I cannot force myself to write. I would stare at blank pages and blinking cursors. I have started a lot of entries, but would often fail to complete them. If I force myself, it only takes a few sentences to lull some readers to sleep. Well there were ten-minute wonders where I’d vomit words like a sick lady. Words come like crazy so I had to keep a pen and paper handy.  I write on receipts, tissue paper, or handouts, when I retch. Otherwise, elusive ideas slip away.

Every year I’d tell myself, “You should read and write more. You should stop wasting your time. You should practice and read more.” Every year, I would fail. It probably takes discipline and time management unbearable to my short attention span. I should probably stop amusing myself with my Facebook news feed and get my act together.   

As usual, I’ll try again this year. Hopefully I’ll be better this year. 

MMXIII

I wasn't really giddy when 2013 started. Let’s just say I got up on the wrong side of the bed, sobbing about some cobwebs of 2012. The year had the usual challenges, confusion, frustrations, bad decisions, tears and pain. Nevertheless, I have enough reason to believe that 2013 was awesome. I had blessings and breakthroughs. God used the tears to fortify my heart and show that He is in control. I've been blessed with new projects, learned new things, met new people, reconnected with old ones, went to interesting places, increased my cultural competence, ate good food, tried new things, read new books, etc. I am blessed with an insanely loving family and awesome friends. My list is beaming with answered prayers. God has placed me in a position of success. He has cleared the path and undoubtedly provided for my needs (even some of my wants). I am coming out of 2013 stronger, blessed, and hopeful. I am excited for more blessings and breakthroughs in 2014. 

Strength

The worst is over. The storm is done. You are alive. You are breathing. You were able to overcome. Every waking moment is a testament of His sovereign will. Each passing day is enough proof that He has your back.
The worst is over. The storm is done. You suffered. You endured. You will have enough heart and resilience to pick the pieces up.
From life's crumbling walls you will build a fortress that will fortify your character. From streaks of hope you will paint yet another picture of strength. From His loving eyes you will find peace in the face of chaos. You will find certainty amidst the ambiguity.
You don't need to dig deep to get that smile back. It's second nature. It's in your psyche. You will rise again. Stronger. Better. Blessed.