Temporal

Mourn, eat, sleep, pray, and write if you must.
Allow it to linger for a while.
But give yourself a deadline.
Brooding is a choice after all.

"Live through this, and you won't look back..."

"When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."  - Stars

My Dear Fleeting Saturday

Why did you leave me so fast? I thought you'd linger some more, but you didn't. I woke up planning on how I could make the most out of your every minute. I failed miserably again. I stared into nothingness while being glued onto my bed. I shed some tears on crappy flicks. I filled my stomach with food and filled my head with air. Every movement seemed heavily spinning in time. I tried to salvage some minutes, thinking I could bring some justice to each passing moment. But you drifted fast. Yes, you drifted fast, but I shall see you soon. 

Gabi

Tumingin ako sa mga ulap. Walang masyadong mga bituwin. Bakit ngayon pa walang mga bituwin?  Madaming tao noong gabing iyon. Masarap manood ng tao. Marahil ay may kanya-kanyang pinagdadaanan. Iba-iba lamang ng kabigatan.

 Baka ilang minuto na lang kita makakasama kaya pilit kong binago ang usapan. Nais kitang makasama sa ilang minutong natitira. Para akong nakikipagkarera sa panahon. Nais pa kitang makilala sa ilang minutong iyon.

Tinanong ko ang ilang bagay ukol sayo. Paboritong kulay. Paboritong tao. Paboritong pangyayari noong paslit ka pa lang. Matiyaga mong sinagot lahat ng tanong ko. Bawat isa. Kahit yaong mga walang saysay. Kagyat kong nalimutan ang pakikipagtunggali ko sa oras.

"Ang dami mong tanong," sabi nya.

"Kasi baka hindi na kita matanong ulit. Baka huli na to." ang sabi ko.

"Bakit ngayon lang 'to?"

Alam ko naman ang sagot ngunit sadyang  nakapapagal sumagot. Marahil ay nakakahapo ang magpaliwanag. Marahil ay hindi na sakop ng mga salita ang gayong pakiramdam.

"Anong pangarap mo?" wika ko.

"Ang makasama ka," ang kanyang walang pag-aatubiling sagot.

Biglang dumapo ang nakabibinging katahimikan sa sumapaw sa ingay ng paligid.

"Seryoso ka d'yan?" sabay tingin ko sa malayo.

"Oo." aniya.

Tumungo ako't ibinaling ang atensyon sa sahig. Baka sakaling may ilang pangungusap ang biglang lumitaw sa sahig. Hindi ko masabing masakit sa dibdib. O nahihirapan akong magbitiw ng mga salita. O kung gaano kahirap magpigil ng luha. O wala akong sagot sa iba mong tanong. O malamang ilang araw akong magmumukmok.

"Sigurado ka na ba?" makatatlong beses nyang tinanong noong gabing iyon.

Sigurado na nga ba ko? Maraming beses ko nang inisip ito. Sigurado nga ba ako?  Handa ba ko na gawing huli ang lahat ng bagay noong gabing iyon?

"Oo," sabay tungo. 

On Writing

For lack of a better hobby, I put writing “writing” on the list. However, within 4 years of blogging, I only have 37 entries with around 3,700 page views.  Most of my entries were offshoots of extremely high emotions. I cannot force myself to write. I would stare at blank pages and blinking cursors. I have started a lot of entries, but would often fail to complete them. If I force myself, it only takes a few sentences to lull some readers to sleep. Well there were ten-minute wonders where I’d vomit words like a sick lady. Words come like crazy so I had to keep a pen and paper handy.  I write on receipts, tissue paper, or handouts, when I retch. Otherwise, elusive ideas slip away.

Every year I’d tell myself, “You should read and write more. You should stop wasting your time. You should practice and read more.” Every year, I would fail. It probably takes discipline and time management unbearable to my short attention span. I should probably stop amusing myself with my Facebook news feed and get my act together.   

As usual, I’ll try again this year. Hopefully I’ll be better this year. 

MMXIII

I wasn't really giddy when 2013 started. Let’s just say I got up on the wrong side of the bed, sobbing about some cobwebs of 2012. The year had the usual challenges, confusion, frustrations, bad decisions, tears and pain. Nevertheless, I have enough reason to believe that 2013 was awesome. I had blessings and breakthroughs. God used the tears to fortify my heart and show that He is in control. I've been blessed with new projects, learned new things, met new people, reconnected with old ones, went to interesting places, increased my cultural competence, ate good food, tried new things, read new books, etc. I am blessed with an insanely loving family and awesome friends. My list is beaming with answered prayers. God has placed me in a position of success. He has cleared the path and undoubtedly provided for my needs (even some of my wants). I am coming out of 2013 stronger, blessed, and hopeful. I am excited for more blessings and breakthroughs in 2014. 

Strength

The worst is over. The storm is done. You are alive. You are breathing. You were able to overcome. Every waking moment is a testament of His sovereign will. Each passing day is enough proof that He has your back.
The worst is over. The storm is done. You suffered. You endured. You will have enough heart and resilience to pick the pieces up.
From life's crumbling walls you will build a fortress that will fortify your character. From streaks of hope you will paint yet another picture of strength. From His loving eyes you will find peace in the face of chaos. You will find certainty amidst the ambiguity.
You don't need to dig deep to get that smile back. It's second nature. It's in your psyche. You will rise again. Stronger. Better. Blessed.

Sunrise

Behind the curb are little rays of sunshine

Stacking upon each other

Slivers of hope

Transcending into a glorious daybreak

Purpose

You've seen it. In your head. Glimpses of your wedding day.  Your big white dress. The teary-eyed man waiting at the end of the aisle.

You've seen it. In your head. Your perfect smile as you travel the world hand in hand with him. "That would be fun," you would say.

You've seen it. In your head. A picture of your cute little home. Your curtains, your kitchen, some Little Tykes sprawling on your pocket garden.

You've seen it. In your head. Your office. The miniscule view of the metropolis from the top. The accolades hanging on your wall.

You've seen it. All in your mind. Like air engulfing your brain. Allowing you to breathe. Like reserves of oil fueling your desire to seize each waking day.

You've seen it. Built a world around it. Attached each happy thought and hopes to it.

But each unfortunate event led to another. Like an unfinished dramatic film unfolding before your eyes.

Bad decisions. Ramifications. Vicissitudes of life rendering you unprepared. Shattering every piece that you hold dear.

You woke up one day and found out what you've clearly seen in your head will not be backed up by truths, only dreams.

Shock. You walked aimlessly in perceived dark corridors. You felt nothing. You floated in a deceptive air of nothingness.

Anger. You channeled all angst and started the blaming harangue.

Sadness. You spent sleepless nights in a fetal position. You wallowed in a buffet of tears. You harbored that hallow feeling in your gut.

Hope, pride, and self-esteem seemed to have left you.  Nothing to look forward to.

Your air turned into suffocating vacuum. Your fuel dried up and left you feeble.

You asked yourself your million dollar question, "What now?"

You've exhausted all means to forget. You set up your life to be exceedingly busy, in hopes that no minute is spent in confronting the bitter reality.

Things didn't seem to make sense. Things didn't seem to work. Things that you've seen in your head coupled with some hard realities haunted you before go to sleep and as you wake up.

What now?

It dawned upon you that purpose seemed to have evaporated from your very essence. How can you be happy without a sense of purpose?

You question your existence. You wonder where you will get the answer. Then you tried searching from the Bible. You've been told that it has answers to difficult questions.

You powered up your NIV Bible search engine and typed "purpose". "What is my purpose?" you kept on asking yourself as the browser returned three pages of verses.

You read through each one and you noticed. There is no mention of "my" purpose. It has always been "His" purpose.

It dawned upon you.

It's not about your purpose but His purpose. Not your plans but His. Not your will but His. It's not about what you have imagined your life to be. 

It’s not what you have purposed in your heart to happen. You do not create your purpose. It has been created for you. In the brokenness of your spirit you realized, well, it's not about you.

So everyday, you earnestly pray. You clamor to know the specificity of your purpose.

So everyday, you earnestly pray. To know.  To get clarity. To live what has been planned out for you. 

My Mother Makes Me Laugh

January 11, 2011

A comic lives in our house. That comic is my mom. She would sport her sanguine-phlegmatic self, greeting me “hello” in all gaiety. She would inadvertently make us laugh when she uses words from her self-authored dictionary. She mistakes a whale shark with a local pawnshop.  She would mix up a book title with a type of flour. She sings misheard lyrics with all conviction, complete with some vibrato. She would theatrically tell stories with hand gestures and facial expressions. She could “host” casual conversations with my friends. She would end up knowing more about my friends, whom I have known longer, after their chit-chat. Her antics make our family drop to our knees laughing. Only she does it best. Maybe it’s just our shallow sense of humor. But maybe she is really funny after all.

More than the usual laughs and theatrical conversations, her cool self propped us up during trials. With her positive disposition, she seeks to find solutions rather than stare down at problems. She would not curl up and die in some murky mire but try to create action plans to augment the situation. She gives the benefit of the doubt and translates negativities into acts of kindness and generosity.

When my father was diagnosed with brain tumor and the doctor had to open up his head three times, I saw how brave mom was. I didn't see her hysterical in the ICU. Instead, I saw her praying. She was crying and shaking, but she was praying. In that gruesome moment, she chose to do something that she finds in her heart as the solution. When Dad was hallucinating after the operation, she did not mind staying up the whole night, just to hold Dad’s hand and stop him from removing all the tubes and IVs. What was left of her positive self never bogged down during what I regard as our family’s toughest moment. We took baby steps into three operations, practically living in the hospital for weeks and paying a handsome hospital bill. She held onto what was left of her positive aura and her faith in God. Seeing her brave made me stronger. We didn't have too many reasons to laugh about that time but seeing her strong made my heart proud and glad. Months after, dad miraculously recovered. Looking back, mom’s nature helped me win my personal battles, a day at a time.

Yes, my mother still makes me laugh. I will perpetually be grateful that I was delivered in this world by a mother with a good sense of humor. But more than that, I am grateful of her strength and her positive outlook in life. Because of her, I have learned to view more half-full glasses rather than half-empty ones. She taught me that the cliché “happiness is a choice” is true. She taught me that happiness is not dependent on the number of digits printed in one’s bank book. She taught be the value of being proactive rather than be reactive and blame the whole world of our woes.

Yes, my mother makes me laugh. More than that, her positivity makes my heart glad.

Tears

If every tear fall diminishes every pain

And cease to be a mirror of one's soul's distress

If the amount of tears shed for each heartbreak 

Has a fixed volume, proportional to the wound's depth

If every tear drop would waste away every tragic memory

And delete the heaviness each day

Then I can lie in wait and hope

And spend some waking moments drowning in tears

Then I can lie in wait and hope

That one tomorrow I would have drained it all

Then I can lie in wait and hope

That one day tears would stop to fall

1

Isang sulyap sa nakaraan
Isang ngiti
Isang katerbang iyak
Isang araw na
Isang buwan pa

New

Today I learned the hard truth that a face can hide a thousand lies and truths.
Today I learned that sad fact that there are a million ways to hurt one's heart, over and over again.
Today I am resolved to re-plan my life and pray.
Tomorrow, I will start again .
Tomorrow, I will unlearn unimportant things and focus on who and what matters.
Tomorrow, I will love. I will hope. I will trust. I will have faith.
Tomorrow, I will start anew.

Hush

Hush little sister, don't you cry

Give your tears a new purpose, give your tears a new life

Sing little sister, let your notes fly

Let your soul flow through the harmony of your heart

Laugh little sister, grin through your eyes

Pour out your joy through the cadence of your smiles

Lovely Day

Even if I'm living a relatively normal life

And my activities excite only my mom

Even if I won't pass as a beauty queen

Sans a paycheck as big as my peers

Even if I'm as single as a nun

Or haven't travelled far

Despite the daily crunch and hullabaloo

Despite the stress and stretch marks

I am happy. I am loved. I am blessed. Everyday is a lovely day. :)

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a happy heart.

Kisame

Dear Kisame,

Kamusta ka? Malapit ko na namang makabisa ang kinaroroonan ng lahat ng agiw mo. Bukod sa ilang dagdag na gabok, nananatili kang kimi. Tititigan na naman kita ng matagal ngayong gabi. Ikaw na tanging saksi sa lahat ng mga ngiti, kilig, galit, hinagpis at hikbing kubli sa lahat. Tititigan ko na naman ang maraming pulgadang layo mo sa akin habang ika'y tahimik na nakikinig sa bawat pagpatak ng luha. Susubukan ko muling abutin ang iyong kinaroroonan, gaya ng pilit na pag-abot ng aking isip sa mga sagot sa katanungan. Pilit kong uunawain ang mga naganap ngunit muling mabibigo. Bagkus, manatili akong blanko, gaya ng iyong reaksyon.

Days as such

There are happy days
Those that make you float in the sky
But there are sad days
Days that make you curl up and cry

During those days it's important to cope
To live one day at a time
To fight one battle at a time
To harness more faith
To build more strength of heart

During the dark and dreary days it's important to pray
For a wise and discerning heart
For clarity behind two hazy eyes
For the will to surrender
For peace that we can't understand

During those days you cry, you bleed, you mumble
But during those days you put off giving up
You grip onto His promises until the bleeding stops
You raise your arms until the rivers of tears dry up
And you rest soundly in His hand



Every day is a blessing

A Masterpiece

My dear, never ever doubt yourself. Your worth is not commensurate to how others think of you, or how you think they think. What they think of you doesn’t matter. You just need to matter to a few people. People who really matter. You are smart, beautiful and classy. You are way better than how you see  yourself sometimes.  You are your life's main character and you own your stage. You are God’s masterpiece, crafted polished within a lifetime. You are a blessing.

Tropa. Friendzone. Basted

The floor opened and gobbled me whole at 6:00 AM in the morning. Your text message was way better than espresso, jolting me out of sleep. Funny thing, I woke up to your text message knowing that I did not sleep at all.

"Let's just be friends, and nothing more. Tropa tayo diba?"

Seriously? That freaking line. I thought I heard that in a chick flick that I suffered watching with you. Seriously. At 6 o'clock in the morning your words swallowed me whole.

I lovingly kept all your text messages. Three years' worth of seemingly important messages. "Hi. Musta? I miss you too. See you later. Smiley. Hehe. Go to the balcony, the moon is lovely. U umlaut." For me, those were sweet nothings. Apparently for you, it was just nothing.

I searched for your car yesterday. Blood. Panic. Sweat. Cramps. I stupidly searched for your car in three levels of car park. How can I miss logic that day. I failed to note that this was not a scene in a badly written movie. I should have just asked the guard where your car was. I found your car just near the door after losing considerable amount of sweat. My heart was racing as I placed a bouquet of roses that I carefully picked up earlier that day. I spent hours composing my note but ended up writing an incredible piece of crap.

Seeing you was the event to look forward to everyday. Blame proximity and propinquity but I started to cross out some specs in my archetype. I swam in that feeling of lightness whenever you are around. When I stopped asking myself "why?", that's when I knew all reason has fallen. I didn't mind disgusting cheesiness. I didn't mind doing fooling things. All foolishness was clad with a perfect feeling of lightness.

You texted me yesterday. "The flowers came from you, right?" I froze. I failed to reply. I wanted to talk to you personally. I wanted to let you know how miserable I was. I barely slept. I counted the minutes to the next day. I felt a sense of numbness after dropping the bomb. I assumed you barely slept too, judging from your 6:00 AM text message.

I am confused as to how I will place the activities that transpired in the last three years. We worked together. We ran together. Endured traffic together. Ate breakfast, lunch, or dinner together. We had coffee together. We laughed together.
Together. Was there really such a word? Was I just imprisoned in an illusion that we could be something more? I invested too much feeling in "together." Who was I kidding? Together, my face.

I saw you the next day wearing that new awkward feeling. Your mere presence in the office gives me claustrophobia. The office suddenly became too small for you and my overwhelming emotion. Seeing you gives me a lethargic feeling. Being with you in the same hallway just meant raising both eyebrows or nodding and nothing more. Being with you in the same hallway makes me want to barf with pain. Seeing your eyes is a strong reminder of that 6:00 AM text message on that fateful day.

"Let's just be friends, and nothing more. Tropa tayo diba?" And all hell broke loose.

***
Written for a friend who is nursing a broken heart

-- 30 --

Madalas naman ang pagwawakas
Isang realidad sa pang-araw araw na buhay
Huling episode ng paboritong telenovela
Huling hininga ng paboritong artista
Pagtatapos ng isang gawain o relasyon, trabaho o bakasyon
Pagtatapos ng araw sa bawat takipsilim
Pagtatapos ng buwan o pagsasara ng taon

Madalas naman ang pagwawakas
Ngunit bakit laging kaakibat ang mabigat na pakiramdam

Hindi ko alam kung magpapadespedida ba ko o hahayaan ko na lang
Hindi ko alam kung pipiliin ang tahimik na pagiimpit ng pinto o ang madramang pagyayakapan bago lumisan
Nahihirapan akong maniwala sa kasabihang pag may nagsarang pinto, may nagbubukas ng bintana
Nahihirapan akong sumugal sa madilim na crossfade ng scene 1 and 2
Nalilito ako habang naglalakbay sa proseso na inuutas ni Kubler-Ross
Nahihirapan akong lunukin ang mapait na wakas

The end. Fin. 30. That's all folks.
Madalas naman ang pagwawakas
Ngunit bakit kada mangyayari iyon lagi nalang akong nasusuka.